My Smile.

I'm fed up of the guy in my department at work walking around as though he believes the world is out to get him, and only him. I told him, in frank terms, to cheer the fuck up. Every time I make a sale or am thanked by a customer his face betrays him. Every time he wanders into work a cloak of resentment and dismay follows him. In all honesty, it seems childish, and his misogynistic facade is offended when I tell him what to do. I don't think it stems however, from genuine feelings of depression.

I'm not making a critique on people with depression. It is a real illness, friends and family are suffering from it, and I have utmost respect for those brave enough to accept their illness and fight it. I am frustrated with those that act this way to gain pity, or to attempt to gain a shower of compliments, especially in the workplace. While he's made it abundantly clear my success of making friends easily with people at work in comparison to him, along with my fairly decent sales have angered him, by acting like his fate is forever doomed is really beginning to piss me off.

I'd probably win the "worst things you've gone through" competition with him if there were such a thing. I'm not one to usually use that sort of thing to rank what kind of character that would make me, or to test my strength. I know I am strong, I am proud of that, and I also believe that people handle situations in different severity's than others.

Not everyone is optimistic and can't help but cling to darkness. But darkness carries a bitterness you'll never rid yourself of if you don't seek help. For those who stress the tiny things in life, what does the tragedies steal from you? For the things we can shake off, move on, and forget about it.

If I don't like something, I change it. I was unhappy in a job so I quickly got a new one. I decided I wanted to further my studies so I applied immediately. The same has applied with family and friends. I've confronted people if I've had problems with them and resolved things. Too many people allow themselves to live in "okay" situations because they can't be bothered, or deem themselves unworthy of something better. So, ask yourself next time you whinge about it, why am I still doing this? If you're going to remain like that, remind yourself you chose that.

Though, value the pro's of your life before highlighting the con's. Most situations have good qualities, most people are worth fighting for. I'm happy with the people who are in my life; I've been able to lean on them especially in the last few months.

I have found through talking to family, friends, doctors and writing I have escaped from how I felt, and what it could have led me to become. For those who lock away feelings they'll never release them.

My doctor told me she thought I looked really well, and that I was doing fantastically. Through all of this, I've come to a few conclusions:

- This will not, and has not defeated me.
- I will not be ashamed of something that is not my fault.
- I will not lock away my feelings.
- I will get my life back on track.

Beneath my smile there is sadness. A sadness that is greater than you'd imagine from the girl that stands before you. But those who have tried to break my smile are not worthy of that; it is mine to keep and to share with those I wish to. For those who have caused me pain, I will defy you with my smile while you bound me, hit me, use me and discard me like you have done before, and you will be left tortured, with the image of my demented, defiant smile etched upon your mind.