Who's Behind The Screen?

Flustered and anxious, I began to write. Allowing my thoughts that had been stampeding through my mind leak effortlessly onto a word document, I was instantly hooked. An anonymous blog, an outlet where I could dispose of my worries and journal my life through a minuscule corner of the World Wide Web; my secret, my place. It held a different attraction than a diary, it had the opportunity to be accidentally stumbled upon, a canvas of thoughts to an individual who was seeking inspiration. That enticed me. That lingering hope that I could help someone, or offer a part of myself that they identified with seemed to always bring a smile to my face. Perhaps it was the need to feel endlessly connected to people around the world, or perhaps it was the enigma circling it, the recipient of my words wondering what kind of person I was.

That is how it began. I was fifteen, and along with my high school friends who were interested in similar things, I had discovered the world of blogging. This new method of writing, pitched to be an online diary, was a new fad amongst my friends, like the previous ones of emo-music and jokes of sexual innuendos that we naively assumed made us grown up. It was a place we could write, and journal our thoughts, without judgment.

I found myself writing about anything, everything; it almost became a part of my thought process. My method of unwinding and analysing how I felt. So when I met him, a part of my future, and then a part of my past, through a friend online, and after some time I allowed him to read my blog, I had to wonder if my writing showed a different side of me. Did my words reflect who I was, am? Or were idealisations of what I could be grabbed from this forum of hormonal outlet?

It was, really, at first, just that. A place where a typical teenager could seek comfort and pity with complaints of how difficult her life was. A mixture of hormones and heartbreak; with the occasional philosophical wonderings and poetry that arose from the writer within me. But as I continued blogging, and writing my perception of the world around me, it became almost ritualistic.

I did stop, once. My future, then to be my past somehow deferred me from writing. I wasn’t ever told to stop, I just did. I used to write for enjoyment and for understanding, and over some time it had ceased. I felt no drive to document my feelings; I felt as though I had nothing interesting to document. It took me a while to even realise it, but my daily posts had dwindled to monthly ones, if that. This was an early sign of how wrong my relationship was, but it was a sign that would take me some time to realise.

As time progressed, along with blogging, websites like Myspace and Facebook also allowed me to place myself into a corner of the web, though this time, it was a lot more public. Photos were uploaded, brief “about me’s” were written and comments from friends were displayed, linking me to networks of friends in which I was subconsciously self-marketed. Who do I know on here? Without knowing it, this method of connecting to friends around the world, I was placing myself to be represented in a particular way. I didn’t even consider my online persona, or how a stranger or old friend may perceive me. I didn’t imagine these outlets were creating fictitious perceptions of me, or anyone, dependent on comments friends had made, or photos I decided to upload.

I had been included in the era of public profiles that deemed it acceptable, sociable, to post so much of yourself onto a website, for others to read about. I wasn’t protected by an un-named, unclaimed website, my photograph and my name were, and still are displayed.

It wasn’t until strangers began to add me as a friend that I began to wonder about the sincerity of it all. Was the purpose of these profiles to connect friends around the world, or to substitute friends you didn’t have in real life? Or was it simply a popularity contest, where the person with the highest “friends list” was the queen bee of the online world?

Over some time, and after starting uni and meeting new friends, I began to write again. Meeting someone new had inspired me once more, but along with that, the profiles my generation had become so fixated on, addicted to, offered no real meaning of the world. I still can’t answer their ability of how they capture you; but I think it’s a need to always know what’s happening, almost instantly.

Returning to writing helped immediately and I found myself thinking subjectively again. The comfort of going back to leaking my secrets into a secluded section of the web was almost therapeutic. I read, and I watch films (but not frequently enough), and listen to music, but writing is the way I find meaning in the world. I often wonder how other people form their meaning; their perception of what surrounds them.

I am just one person with ideals of the space I’ve grown up within. I’ve written nothing life changing, but what I have wrote matters to me. And if my online persona, through a cryptic and “who’s behind the computer screen” mystery has meant something to another; I have succeeded in leaving my mark on the world, if only for a moment.

Waste Paper?

In the last few months, I've been thinking more about my future than ever before. I got back from Europe, fresh from a world of adventure and culture with my heart set on moving to London. I wanted to do nothing more than pack up my life and venture into the big city and become a big girl, and live a life full of plays in the West End, shopping in Oxford St and being immersed in a busy world of independence.

Technically; I've done what I needed to do in Perth now. I've finished my degree, and bar my graduation ceremony in March(and my slowly dwindling down car loan) , I've got nothing left to hold me here. The longer I'm surrounded by people who are seemingly progressing into adult lives, the more I feel frustrated that we don't have to follow that stringent path of life.

Our culture is obsessed with the focus of paper. Paper dominates our lives: university degrees, marriage certificates, money, passports, citizenship certificates, tenancy agreements, deeds, bills. Why are we so focused on earning pieces of paper to define our success and happiness?


I was chatting to a friend the other day who has recently gotten married. Married in the sense that they love each other and it felt "right". I appreciate when you enter a formal commitment in that sense; but I'm tired of the endless conversation amongst people of feigning domestic bliss and the epitomy of their life's fulfillment resulting in wearing a white dress.

Live a little.

Perhaps I'm no where close to building a house, or having a baby, or even having a rock to show I'll (apparently) be eternally loved; but I've done pretty fuckin' good for a 20 year old. I've lived in 3 countries (thanks to my parents), traveled around 20 more, gotten a degree, made it without becoming a teenage mother, left when others wouldn't have, beared more pain than most would even comprehend, and still come out smiling.

I want my life to be fulfilled by laughs I share with friends, places I visit, moments that are sacred, whether that be staring at the Cote D'Azur (which I've done :D), or catching someone's eyes, or feeling bloody proud of yourself for something small and insignificant to someone else. I don't want to depend on paper to symbolise that apparently, my life is going well. If a home and a conventional, socially "norm" life is all that you've ever wanted, then love it. But your life should always be normal according to you.

All you've got to ask yourself is, do you wake up everyday with a smile on your face, or at least a speckle of hope that you can control your life and your happiness?

And if I've got to settle for paper... Give me plane tickets, love letters and books :)

The Optimistic Scrooge.

For my family, Christmas has been a unusual tradition for the last seven years. We've traded snow and huge roast dinners for blazing hot Christmas days with a barbeque feast. So, I suppose in some sense the further alterations to this year's Christmas shouldn't make as much of a difference, but this Christmas will feel more surreal than ever before.

It's going to be just me and mum. Not that I don't love my mum, but Christmas is about family and my dad's going to be working 11 hours away in the harshness of the Australian outback. My brother's moved out; and whilst he's popping around in the morning for present swapping, our family will literally be divided for this year's festivities. We'll spend the afternoon with our fellow family friends from England which will be the comfort for our sense of home this Christmas.

I love Christmas. I truly do. I love to buy people gifts, and to see their reactions. I love the optimism that spreads around due to the upcoming holiday season, and joining together to see everyone you care for.

While we've all got our pet peeves over Christmas (I won't even go near a shopping mall this week) and children's obession with their upcoming presents for months beforehand; I think adults share a similar sense of nervousness when considering the scope of their lives and happiness.

Christmas often brings a sense of postponement that other holidays can't deliver. People put off things around Christmas; they don't want to be responsible for causing pain during the holiday season. By all accounts we'll resist having that serious talk with someone or pushed back an inevitable breakup due to the upcoming day of celebration. But why delay the inevitable? And how is this one day of year going to erase the bad and give you the perfect present you've desired?

I think in some senses, Christmas evokes this false sense of hope and hesitation. People try to string together and pull through in the knowledge that it's Christmas time, and at Christmas time you shouldn't be responsible for causing pain. Christmas day has big boots to fill; and I'm not talking about Santa's. Perhaps we should all focus on our situations now, not plan how to perfect an inperfect situation just for Christmas.

While I hope this day that evokes family, giving and happiness brings people back together on a long term basis or helps to mend your woe, surely it's cruel to pretend for a day, if that's your only intentions.

For many of us, Christmas is not a relgiious celebration but a capitalistic Hallmark tradition borrowing symbols and rituals from a variety of religions and cultures (the Dutch's Sinta Klauss and pagan tree traditions; for example). What Christmas represents to the majority is a day of presents and piss-ups.

By all means, I wish for us all to enjoy this year's Christmas, and realise how lucky we are to have healthy and happy lives. Gift giving is one of my favourite parts of Christmas, and we should all value the way the day brings us more together. However, we should apply this attitude to each day, and count our happiness on a daily basis, not on an annual review; when a tree, an old man with a beard and stack of presents have to remind us to.

Bah, humbug.

You've Got To Laugh

Or you’d cry?

Not necessarily.

“Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut off my own penis with a kitchen knife.” – Will, About a Boy.

There’s not much new to that, if you ask any woman (or in some cases, man), who’ll rapidly offer a story depicting woe and some wanker. Post break up and ready to drown my sorrows in true Bridget-esque style (though I wasn’t too bad), of course I had to run into someone from my past. He agreed: “men are bastards. That’s why I’m dating a girl.”

So after two to three months, my stint as a couple was practically over before it began. It ended amicably enough – we’re both planning to move to entirely different parts of the world and our lives and plans simply weren’t compatible. So, I’m now faced with the dilemmas of post break up behaviour. Friends? People who speak? Or someone that you have to avoid if you run into them in the shops, or at a pub?

Through chatting to my best friend and seeing more and more unbreakable couples break, I’m coming to the conclusion that perhaps it’s something to do with age, and relationship inexperience. My first serious boyfriend was three years of teenage angst and using me as the solution and cure to his depression. The next one was a train wreck in itself; but I did love him, and learnt a lot along the way. After feeling that gut wrenching heartbreak, we’re all at least once due for, I travelled, dated (some shockers too), and grew up.

So onto the next one I was more confident of what I wanted from him; or a boyfriend in general, but stuck on my single and fabulous! (exclamation point!) dreams of the future. He was lovely and we never fought but I feel back on track and more eager to jump right into my future than ever before.

We’ve long since realised the idealistic tale of meeting and being with your one and only is too good to be true, yet so many people aspire to it with each new partner, as though the past can be deleted and has no swaying on the person you are, and why somebody loves you.

Perhaps I’m sadistic and my optimistic trite is fading away, or perhaps when I’m loved up it’ll grow again; but age is often a problem too. We’re barely familiar with ourselves at this age, let alone how we are as a partner. Perhaps each boyfriend and breakup sets the standard for who we are, and what we need in the future.

But for some optimism; you can’t value love without pain, and you should feel the welt of each heartbreak with the new found joys of your future.

Spoken like a true masochist.

A Stroke Of Bad Luck...

You may say I've ran into some bad luck. At the start of this year, I remember predicting it to be one of the best year's of my life thus far. I was to turn 20, backpack Europe graduate university. While I've done these things, I didn't predict to be ill for over 6 months, lose friendships that have been monumental to my last few years, be bullied out of my workplace and be involved in 3 car accidents within a week. This semester has been the most grueling one I've ever faced. The pressure of being so close to the end of my degree has been tantalising, and overloading units and overworking has been at times far too much to bear. While I adapted to my transfer quite well following an abrupt departure of my previous shop, the stress the company throws upon all of its colleagues will never depart with a change of location.

I have a lot to be thankful for from the last three years of my employment. I've met some amazing people that will be lifelong friends, and I've also met others that I've held so close to me that I never thought I'd let them go. However, as life lessons goes, people let you down. People disappoint you. And let me tell you (all) I'm extremely disappointed in the sadistic, selfish, childish and uncompromising people you've become.

With the bad luck in life generally coming in three's lets hope my luck's back up. I scored a new job, ironically, with a car insurance company that I'm starting next week. I've also (bar 3 assignments that will be done at the end of the week) finished my last semester of my degree. The whole gang celebrated with a brilliant party last week. As we drank, I spoke to my friends mum about what everyone may become. Let our ideals and dreams remain our biggest motivation to get there, and not let our degrees remain dusty on a shelf.

And I've met someone who makes me happy. And most importantly, wants to be with me as much I want to with him. I'm looking forward to an amazing summer, and to see what grand plans and dreams will become..

Thursday Morning Blues...

False Status

What's on your mind?
Heartbreak, breakups,
Breakdowns,
Down that drink,
I don't want to think
About you
Anymore -
These thoughts
Spluttered on a webpage
Left in lyrics,
Quick quips,
Never let it
Reveal what is actually true,
They can't understand,
How I miss you.


Too Late

Grab his keys
And say goodbye -
Watch him go,
She won't cry
Anymore
No change, too late,
Does he care?
And here I stand,
Wedged between
Different eras of perception,
Defeated, already,
Before taking sides,
Who will fight
For this love?

A Guide to Facebook - Your New Best Friend.

Feeling Lonely?

Join Facebook!

Half a billion opportunities to find friends!

Listen to what Facebook workers and users have to say about how their life fulfilment has quadrupled since their profile has been activated!

Feeling Left Out?

You’re living within the 21st century, the digital era, the time when technology has become a fundamental part of social communication and growth. You don’t own a computer. You refuse to purchase a computer, or to use one at the public library. You detest the idea of school’s introducing them to students from a young age.
What is wrong with you?!

Your life is mundane. No, seriously, it is.

You’re always feeling lonely. The people you know, if you could really call them friends, hardly get in contact with you. It’s your fault really. You don’t have a mobile phone. You miss out on texting, calling, chain emails that gets sent around the world. They are forgotten after they are read, but they mattered. For a second. Your phone drums against the table, the message tone kisses your ears. You are loved. Someone is reaching for you.

But not you, of course. You don’t have a phone, or a Facebook, or any logical manner of retaining friendships and lovers. You’re excluding yourself from love.
You can better yourself. You can enhance your life to the maximum potential, and live like your neighbours and colleagues. You can be as happy as them. Let yourself.

The Solution

It’s easy, really. First of all, gain access to the internet and get yourself acquainted with the World Wide Web. Think of all the possibilities. They are infinite, endless. The information era will sweep you into a search engine speed hurricane of the future. A bombardment of information. What could be better? There will be so much for you to speak about, engage within, dream about. You will be part of it all; connected. You will finally find yourself within a network, put your mark upon the world and remain forever. You’ll settle for eternity in your piece of cyberspace. Graveyards, work, art and other human mementos won’t record your existence. They are merely memories and landmarks that will dissolve over time. This is your only chance to be stored into the hard-drive of the universe. Don’t miss your chance.

Following are some instructions for how to put your life in order. We are here to help you get onto the social network bandwagon, and bring yourself into the new millennium of cultural change. Otherwise, you’ll be as useless as a temporary internet file to potential friends and loved ones.

The Wonderful World of Facebook

I work for the wonderful and life changing social networking site of Facebook. And here’s how I, along with the rest of the wonderful staff and creator of Facebook can help you.

It’s all thanks to you, Mark Zuckerberg. His creation of Facebook to bring Harvard Students into a web network has grown into the biggest social networking side on the planet. He has quite literally enabled people from every continent to coincide together. We can monitor what our friends in every timezone are doing at this very minute. Our lives have never before been so fulfilling.
Facebook is first and foremost, your best friend. Maybe you could see it as your family; it will definitely be always there for you. It is there only for you and the benefit of bringing you closer to people around the world. Facebook wants to include you in a rapidly growing international network of users that is growing at this very second. We are offering you boundless opportunities to mingle and
The way it works is based on a simple idea that friends want to be able to keep in touch, have online chats, view each other’s photos and be invited to cyber-events.

Customising Your Facebook Profile (Photo Albums and Information)

Now, your profile. This is your money maker. You want to attract friends, so don’t begin with scary photos. Something friendly for a profile pic. Win them over with your smile. Keep your status updates witty. Update often. Let your new found friends get a sense of your real personality. Your information page is extremely useful in sharing your interests, activities, political preferences, sexual preferences and religious beliefs. List your favourite bands and films. What do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. Where do you work? Link it up. Do you study? What do you study? Add it under your educational achievements. Already your friends have got a genuine sense of the person you are.

Add some photos, or even better, albums to narrate the exciting life you’ve led. If you haven’t been on holiday recently, or been doing much, no worries! Snap a few shots of yourself in the bathroom! Get your friends to add a few comments, and you’ll be on the road to a successful Facebook page.

Friend Request


Moving onto friend requests. Request! It’s so simple. We are deleting the awkwardness of first meetings, diminishing the direness of the first impression. No longer are there stunted silences or blanks. If you want to write on someone’s wall, you can. If you’d rather retain a silent kind of friendship, don’t! They’ll appear on your Newsfeed, you’ll learn of their current occurrences, but you’ve had to make no effort to find this out personally. Think of how much time you will save! Check out your new friends profile. Do you have similar interests? Hobbies? Sign up to the same fan pages? Maybe it’s right to throw this friend a comment! You’ve made a match! And Facebook has helped.

This is a first impression we can support.

Friend Suggestions

Friend suggestions! This program has captivated Facebook users around the world. No longer do you have to physically search for potential friends, rack your brains for their names or go through the piles of profiles of people with the same name. Facebook has looked at yours and an individual’s mutual friends, and placed a suggestion to befriend each other upon your homepage. How thoughtful! Now, if either of you send a friend request, your network of people is only growing further and further, which means, more matches for even more friends will fast be appearing on your homepage!

Facebook Advertisments

Advertisements. Facebook has looked at your profile, the pages you have “liked”, and the groups you have joined and figured out what you’ll be interested in buying. How generous and kind of them. They’ve done your job for you. No more fearful hours in supermarkets with a burning hole in your pocket searching for the perfect purchase. Instead, at the corner of your eye, it is done. It is there. A range of products to suit your needs and desires. What do you desire? Has Facebook got it right? I’ll bet on it.

How lovely of them.


Places

Your new application: places! With the click of a button, nifty GPS technology will locate your very geographical spot and post it right onto your Facebook wall and newsfeed. Now your friends will always know where you are, for those times when they want to swing by and quite literally say “hi!”

Games and Applications

Sure, you could read a book, go to the cinema, watch a play or kick about a football on a field. But why would you?! When you can do all of this from the comfort of your own study. Facebook has created and supported games and applications to tailor your very desires. Fancy yourself as a hardcore gangsta? Jump onto Mafia Wars. Want to do shear some sheep? Connect to Farmville. Want to tantalise yourself with fun trivia, such as, what’s your favourite sex position? Do a quiz! These applications and games are accurate and designed for your pleasures. Your web ring of friends is growing, your success in the gaming world is celebrated on your wall. Congratulations!


Sign Up Now

What are you waiting for?! It’s time for you to make a change and connect yourself to the real world! Sign up to Facebook immediately. Send out your requests for friends. Add your interests, list your jobs and studies, play some games! Join some fan pages and go crazy with some fun quizzes. In no time you’ll have set yourself up on the everlasting lifespan of cyberspace, and your life has never before seemed more fulfilling.

You can thank us later.